http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php Copyright 2008, Joplin Globe webadmin@joplinglobe.com (Joplin Globe) en-US SPHPBLOG 0.4.5 http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry081119-145049 ***************************
Firing up the Compaq after my fifteen day respite brought immediate disillusion: Sara Palin is still in the news; Bill Maher hasn’t been tabbed for a cabinet position; “Joe the Plumber” has a website (for $14.95 lucky knuckleheads can get… pipe dope?); Rush Limbaugh really is the leader of the Republican Party (unintentional dope segue); NRO is having a contest to see who can punch in the dumbest blog; and Missouri is refusing to participate in the Electoral College. However, I was pleased to read that a grand jury in Texas figured out Dick Cheney has criminal tendencies. Perhaps the new Congress will pass a law requiring select Bush Administration culprits to spend time in one of Cheney’s private prisons. I hear that the facilities in Gitmo are first rate if the invited request warmer accommodations.

It appears that The Joplin Globe Online has decided to delete their stable of blogging stars. Adler has been bugging me for months to confab with his geeky friends and design a website. While marginally intriguing, I’m lukewarm to the idea. He’s envisioning an interactive, eclectic format that allows for a wider range of topics to face skewed ridicule and scorn. I’ve always wanted to explore rodeo events and their impact on modern conservatism, a niche discipline rarely traced, described and analyzed by contemporary Potemkin pundits. I’ll let my subconscious arrive at the proper, irrational decision after intense bouts of self-medication.

May the Blunt be with you if facing pesky driveway disputes?

Juan




]]> http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/?entry=entry081119-145049 webadmin@joplinglobe.com Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:50:49 GMT http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry081104-125808
It’s fitting that modern conservatives experience Dr. Kubler-Ross’s Seven Stages of Grief. Currently vacillating between denial and anger, torture enthusiasts are probably not morally equipped to reach acceptance. Those who’ll never distinguish socialism from Shinola can always seek solace in Limbaugh’s flabby exhortations and blame Obama’s victory on the insidious downside to heavy voter turnout. Soul searching is not a practice the far-right encourages. Life is so much easier for Dittoheads when dim distortion replaces eight terrible years of Bush-Cheney. Even now Mary Matalin deems Bush’s presidency “remarkable” and the pathologically twisted Bill Kristol compares Sarah Palin to FDR. I believe the correct medical definition for this type of psychological disorder is bat@#$% crazy. Should GOP operatives begin hyping a Palin-Wurzelbacher 2012 ticket, then bat@#$% crazy becomes an antiquated term -- like horseless carriage and Republican family values.

Speaking of Republican family values, my wife told me that Dana Snodgrass received death threats after appearing in a pro-Obama campaign ad. Dana, an Oakland Park classmate, did the unthinkable and exercised his right of free speech, prompting the local Taliban into action. The only difference between Islamic a-holes and our homegrown variety is choice of footwear. I can say with certitude that should one of these cowards personally confront Dana, the creep would be seeking out the nearest emergency room.

Go vote!

Tomorrow will bring back hope.

]]> http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/?entry=entry081104-125808 webadmin@joplinglobe.com Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:58:08 GMT http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry081031-144426
I was shocked to read that Samuel Wurzelbacher has hired Leon Redbone‘s agent. It seems “Joe the Plumber” is ‘hankerin’ to cash in his notoriety for a recording contract. An appropriate title for his debut CD will dominate my thoughts after next Tuesday. I like “Wurzelbacher” -- it’s simple and conjures up southern fried Americana. Then again, “Wurzelbacher” sounds like a German sausage that internally reverberates long after digestion. Oh, how the Libra suffers when forced to make a decision!

Well, I must finish the scene where Cassidy and Trey, the yacht’s handsome deck hand, brush aside their stubborn pride and submit to destiny’s wavy desire. Since it’s Halloween, the temptation to add supernatural ambience to their lingering lip lock is palpable. Unfortunately, the romance genre leaves little room for unexpected plot twists. Dangling Cassidy’s dead boyfriend from her fashion model days into the mix would leave my 13 readers confused. As we’ve witnessed during Palin’s stirring stumpers, confusion leads to anger, anger to irrationality, and irrationality to Kit Bond’s fear of “teenage moms, minorities, gays, and the dreaded disabled”: one helluva liberal/socialist spook house. Image the horror of opening your door to find a blind, black teenage lebsian on your porch.

Boo!
















]]> http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/?entry=entry081031-144426 webadmin@joplinglobe.com Fri, 31 Oct 2008 20:44:26 GMT http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry081029-204859
Unidentified sources within the McCain campaign have leaked their frustration over Palin’s decision to pageant-stroll off the reservation. It’s no secret that she’s the main attraction; McCain met with 15 fidgety fatalists in New Hampshire. The impending loss will end his quixotic quest, but Palin’s career opportunities have only just begun. Her trip to Iowa touting the non-existent energy saving benefits of ethanol production -- a state McCain has no chance of winning -- is sowing corn seed not ear-marked for this election. No wonder pet names like “Rogue” and “Diva” have wafted into select media ears. Palin knows she’s going to take the brunt of abuse on November 5th after the likely Obama-Biden landslide, and is making public her frustration at the inner-circle’s mishandling of her inherent “mavericky” skills. Conveniently forgetting that he was instrumental in placing Palin on the ticket, chief strategist Steve Schmidt is laying the groundwork for his “it was all Sarah’s fault” defense: Charming crew.

I’m proud to be associated with The Globe. Yes we can.


]]> http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/?entry=entry081029-204859 webadmin@joplinglobe.com Thu, 30 Oct 2008 02:48:59 GMT http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry081022-230431
Not much going on in rainy southwest Joplin. Roi had his autumn bath today, which is always a pleasant experience for all concerned. I misplaced my pipe tobacco, leaving me with options best described as desperate. Whatever ‘it’ was I found atop the curio cabinet (bearing dry resemblance to Blend # One) wasn’t Blend # One. I know this because ten minutes after bowl consummation there were two chicken pot pies baking in the oven. After listening to Freedy Johnson’s “This Perfect World” CD for four or five hours, I concluded that “it” was very old Captain Black Lung residue liberally contaminated with foreign dust. I’d be a happy Homo sapien if the hovel had radiant heat instead of forced air. Perhaps Santa will pull out all the stops this year. Not to belabor the point, but the fat man owes me.

I’m reading Joshua Wolf Shenk’s “Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness”. Following the Juan Way, I’ve begun an outline for “Palin’s Gall: How Crassness Enabled a Poseur and Fueled Her Shopping Spree”. The RNC claims that all campaign clothing is eventually donated to charity. Maybe Joe the Plumber (or “plummer” in Dittohead lexicography) will get lucky and snag a Saks Fifth Avenue church ensemble for the Misses. But then I shouldn’t throw PVC pipe. Many quarter moons ago I wandered into a Dallas shopping mall and clomped out wearing $700 dollar python skin boots. Needless to say, Juan eyed the mailbox like a vulture awaiting the Visa bill. Figuring out how to meld the snaky footwear purchase in with sundry travel expenses taxed the limits of my innate corporate licentiousness. (I later sold the pretty boots to Bubba Don Juan for a tidy loss; parallels to credit default swaps are doable if quantum mechanics is involved).

Who could blame Rush Limbaugh if he relapsed and cajoled his cleaning lady to trade cigar boxes stuffed with cash for the Cadillac of all lower back pain medication? I keep waiting for Hannity to air the video tape of Barack and Michelle Obama eating white Christian babies at the Ayer’s annual Cannibals for Marxist Muslims outdoor mixer. Socialism is now a football best booted by self-taught economic metaphysicians with limited athletic ability: The same apple pie patriots suffering disfiguring playground accidents in childhood, leaving them too crippled to jab the Cong. Thank goodness they have found their second wind and are bravely scolding Islamo-fascism and smart women. The billboard that advertises Limbaugh’s irrelevant radio show would have verisimilitude if he was leering at Sarah Palin… while licking a golf ball.

1968 is like so forty years ago, man.

From Sandra Brown’s “Sunny Chandler’s Return”: “Sunny crossed her legs, demurely tugging her straight skirt over her knees when she noticed that her impatient movement had attracted the attention of the man behind the desk.”

From Sarah Palin’s “Puckie Winkman’s Preconditions“: “You have to have some diplomatic strategy going into a meeting with someone like Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong-il, one of these dictators that would seek to destroy America or her allies. Its so naïve and so dangerous for a presidential candidate to just proclaim that they would be willing to sit down with a -- a leader like Ahmadinejad and just talk about the problems, the issues that are facing them. So that -- that’s -- that’s some ill preparedness right there.”

Swoosh!

Keep the porch light on,

Juan








]]> http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/?entry=entry081022-230431 webadmin@joplinglobe.com Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:04:31 GMT