Karl reminds me that Fearless Leader has not yet agreed to a specific timeline for withdrawing U.S. troops from Powell’s broken Pottery Barn. The main sticking point is Cheney’s threat to go nuclear if a non-puppet government can legally sue American contractors for public endangerment and urban blight. Receiving frantic phone calls from the McCain camp, beyond despair that Dr. Rice will snatch surrender from the jaws of defeat (placing their hero between Iraq and a hard place), Fearless has agreed to stall the inevitable until McCain’s official website can be swept clean of his recent insistence on permanent American military occupation as the only matrix for ensuring victory. Reinserted statements will pretend McCain has always endorsed structured troop withdrawal from Iraq as necessary to wage war against China and Russia. The Kagan brothers are currently conspiring with Doug Feith to pretend their deranged foreign policy schemes fall under McCain’s $2,387.01 world conquest budget cap.
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Because my unpaid poetry editor gig at “High Times” didn’t rate a convention press pass, I’m stuck watching the pageantry on television. I was hoping to float around Denver wearing cool, professional-looking headphones, and dividing my Attention Deficit Disorder between free cocktails and histrionic PUMAs. Thanks to Bill Raisch*, the estate’s handy one armed man, I was able to create a peculiar Pepsi Center ambience within the hovel’s modest confines. Actually, Bill just dressed the pets in loud attire, relocated the mini-bar from the nursery to the cramped livingroom , hung up some black balloons from my last birthday wake, and invited an unemployed monologist with limited education to provide running, non-stop commentary as the final piece de resistance.

Balancing what I see on the Chinese screen with talk radio commentary, I’m surprised that so many Dittoheads are color blind; this seems the only logical explanation as to why Limbaugh must continually remind his off-campus students that Barack and Michelle Obama are an African-American couple. Given the rumored intelligence of his co-eds, it’s odd that they haven’t seen this for themselves. I’m not sure why the Obama’s epidermal pigmentation is deemed an important point to stress after each profit center timeout. If anyone perched atop “the cutting edge of societal evolution” cares to share their enlightened expertise on the subject, give Juan a call. It’s disturbing to think that a sizeable majority of local drivers can’t distinguish red from yellow -- assuming the puzzle is physiological in nature and not psychological.
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FILE THIS UNDER…HMMMM

“On Tuesday, members of the Republican platform committee meeting in Minneapolis voted down a proposal to call the opposition party the ‘Democrat Party’ in the 2008 platform. Instead they’ll go with the proper Democratic Party.”

“We probably should use what the actual name is”, said Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, the panel’s chairmen. “At least in writing”.
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I’ve devised a rating system for grading convention speeches based on Cheetos. The scale ranges from five Cheetos (©) to zero. Zero is designated by the pound sign (#); I don’t want to confuse supply-siders. Evaluating speakers at the Republican National Convention may require expanding the scale to include negative Cheetos. Should this occur, all scores below (#) will be identified with an accompanied photo of Milton Friedman.

Thus far Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Dennis Kucinich have garnered five ©s. Because I take this seriously, I could only award Senator McCaskill two and a half ©s.
The downside is that I may run out of Cheetos before Obama’s acceptance speech. Plan 9 replaces Cheetos with Munchos. But I’ll use the same designation: (©). You’d never know I eked out a D in college algebra after making a deal with the instructor to stop insinuating that the letter W was being unfairly discriminated against.
_____________________________________________________________________
*Trivia: Bill Raisch was the actor who portrayed the mysterious one armed man David Janssen chased for four years.

“At times guest actresses would try to flatter Bill Raisch by speaking about how special effects allowed him to fake missing an arm -- unaware that Raisch actually only had one arm” _______________________________________________________________________

I don’t know if die-hard Hillary supporters will ever accept reality and concede that their candidate’s failure to win the nomination was the result of self-inflicted wounds. The remains have been dissected by media pathologists for months. Their findings conclude that Barack Obama had no hand in aiding or abetting her fatally flawed organization’s inevitable demise. Sometimes the truth is painful. But should you flock to McCain because your champion failed to survive the nomination process’s strenuous gauntlet, then so be it. William Kristol and Rush Limbaugh, pillars of the feminist community, are eager to feel your pain. Remember to keep Woody Allen in mind when slow dancing with devils.
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“It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.”
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I’m reasonably satisfied with Joe Biden as Obama’s running mate. He’s quick and throws a mean jab. His quip succinctly describing “Mayor Rudy’s” ghastly stump speech as “a noun, a verb and 9-11” is satirical candy. It doesn’t hurt that Joe and I share a history with disappearing hair. Although I was disappointed that Gov. Kathleen Seibelius won’t be a regular fixture peering through the dusty Chinese screen, my dismay has nothing to do with politics. Several trees wear this simple tattoo: JM loves KS. And I do.
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Dick Morris, the malignant mole sliced from Bill Clinton many moons ago, believes that Saddam Hussein invited George W. Bush to invade Iraq. Ergo the Bush regime didn’t preemptively invade another country; ergo McCain is correct when asserting that civilized people don’t engage in violent military aggression against other sovereign nations. Dick also believes that Saddam always yearned to be hung by taunting Shiite thugs, and sent the president an e-mail thanking him hours before his clumsy, ignominious end. Unfortunately the e-mail was among the five million or so accidentally deleted when an overenthusiastic Regency University alumni experienced an epiphany, freed up valuable hard drive space, and blessed the White House staff’s obsession with playing Resident Evil 4 after Morning Prayer group.
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With all due respect, Richard LaNear should place mental health over aping Patrick Henry one-liners. Bashing the ACLU in an attempt to defend Clarence Thomas’s judicial jujitsu is a warning sign that the current prescription doesn’t contain enough heavy metal. The burly men in white will be packing syringes if his next op-ed blames high gasoline prices on too many welfare queens owning Cadilacs.
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It must be disconcerting news for our War on Terror shills that the Bush regime will “cut and run” and “surrender” to “Islamo-fascism”. Agreeing to Iraqi demands that the U.S. withdrawal troops by 2011 would seem to indicate Fearless Leader has replaced his exercise ball for the gazing type adorning fashionable patios. Never mind that Obama has been pushing for the very same timeline. Look on the bright side. Bloody hell has been breaking loose in Afghanistan while General Petraeus was getting another star, and the Russians (I mean Soviets) are once again threatening to force universal health care on HMO entrepreneurs. Just because Iraq’s propaganda value is slipping away doesn’t mean war profiteers will face the same economic fate as auto industry workers. Iraq can always be reinvaded if the natives misuse their natural resources. And there’s always Iran.
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McCain is fulfilling one promise made during his brief stint in 2000 as America’s only straight-talking politician: He has depopulated Washington D.C. of lobbyists. So far he has corralled over one hundred and sixty to work for his campaign.
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Jesus’ General needs your help, and I’ve agreed to spread the word.

“The Democratic National Convention is happening this week, and I’m trying to figure out what we’re going to be outraged about so I can prepare. I’ve never been a fan of spur of the moment tantrums; they just don’t allow the time needed to generate the red-faced, spittle-flinging, incontinent kind of rage we need. Sure, the Confederate Yankee, Malkin, Hannity, O’Reilly, Limbaugh, and Liebermann can pull it off at the drop of hat, but damnit, they are professionals. I need a little time to work it up.”

Come on local wingnuts, put your peanut together and help the General out. Send your rants to Townhall.com. The General will take it from there.
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Juan is alarmed and pleased that his dabbles in black magic put Issringhausen on the DL.

If Allen Shirley fell in the woods and nobody was around… would Curly Joe start barking?

The flap about McCain not knowing how many houses he owns has been blown out of proportion. Do you know how many pairs of socks are in your drawer? Besides, his wife may actually own the houses. If the question was phrased differently, say “Senator, how many front door keys are in your pocket?” he could have counted them and put this silliness to bed. He appeared relieved when informed the correct answer is seven, as it explained why his right pocket always felt so much heavier than his left.

I’ve been able to confirm that Weird Al Yankovic’s “Dare to be Stupid” will not be the musical intro before Joe Liebermann delivers his keystone speech to fellow Republicans in St. Paul. The Fixx’s “Red Skies” was deemed more appropriate considering Liebermann‘s well known fascination with John Hagee’s fringe Doomsday cult.

However, convention organizers are keeping the Yankovic option open should Mitt Romney rush the stage.

“Human Events” is reporting that Barack Obama will arrive in Denver atop an ass. Gay rodeo cowboys in revealing chaps will be stationed along the procession’s route waving glittery palms. Howard Dean is confident the Messiah’s flashy entrance has the potential to keep television viewers riveted. Sheryl Crow has volunteered to anoint the former community organizer’s feet with oil and sing “If It Makes You Happy” after Obama has performed his first convention miracle: Raising Don Imus from the dead. Bill Ayers, current community organizer and former Weather Underground terrorist, plans to rob an armored truck prior to Obama’s acceptance speech, and give the proceeds to an Al-Qaeda outreach program that assists female martyrs in their struggle to achieve equal employment opportunities. The grand finale showcasing Party unity will feature Obama, Al Gore and Jeremiah Wright leading the delegates in a rousing “God Damn America!” moments before Coors employees officially end the abomination with active fire hoses.

The ass will be played by either Alec Baldwin or Roseanne Barr, depending on who loses the coin toss.

The latest Olsen-Johnson polling data has McCain leading Obama 100% to 0% with white men owning only one pair of long pants. Shrugging off the bad news, Obama officials cited polling data that has the Democrat winning handily among both sexes who were never convinced that hunters had found Bigfoot in an outdoor freezer.

McCain’s offhand remark that being rich in America means having five million bucks in the bank made me think of John D. Rockefeller, Sr. After hearing that J. P. Morgan had died, leaving an estate worth $27,000,000 dollars, the oil baron was heard to utter, “Oh my! I though he had money!”

Top dark horse guesses for Obama’s running mate include Rob Zombie, Roger Clemmons, Pia Zadora, Salmon Rushdie, Norm Abrams, Fred Funk and Marta Stewart.

*********

In the real world, economists would pick apart McCain’s commercial warning viewers that Obama’s tax increases will slow growth and cost the economy jobs. The manta of “tax and spend liberal” is still quite effective nearly three decades after Ronald Reagan rode in from Bentwood Gully to gun down the New Deal. The truth is McCain’s stuck with Bush’s abysmal economic record. Sinking fast into recession, the country faces the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. Afraid to upset supply-side zealots and the wealthiest one percent reaping the only financial benefits from the Bush tax cuts, McCain can only hope the other ninety nine percent aren’t paying attention.

Obama is proposing to reinstitute the same tax rates used during the Clinton years. From 1993 to 2000 the private sector added 15.8 million jobs; the Bush administration has produced a paltry 3.5 million jobs, and is losing nearly 100,000 jobs a month. Even more telling is how poorly working families have fared in the last seven-plus years: Wages rose by 6.6 percent in the Clinton years; wages rose 1.0 under Bush’s tenure.

Dean Baker: “At the current rate of decline, real wages will be lower in January of 2009 than when President Bush took office in 2001. The typical family’s income rose by 15.3 percent under Clinton, it fell by 1.6 percent under Bush.

In short, it is easy to show McCain’s ad is utter nonsense. The economy had its most prosperous period in 30 years with the tax rates Obama is proposing. President Bush then cut taxes for the rich, and the economy turned in its worst performance since the Great Depression. While the tax rates are hardly the whole story behind the prosperity of the Clinton years or the economic deterioration of the Bush years, the record makes a mockery of the scare story in the McCain ad.

So why would Senator McCain make an ad that is so obviously false? In Swift Boat country, there is no place for truth. McCain knows he can say anything he wants, regardless of how untrue it is, and his claim will be treated seriously by the media.”

McCain doesn’t want the electorate to focus on domestic issues. It’s clear by his decision to hire Rove & Company as campaign framers that the Senator has opted to make the race about Obama’s fabricated lack of character, essentially reprising the same slimy tactics used against John Kerry in 2004. He does this while claiming to run an ‘honorable campaign”. Impugning Obama’s patriotism before veterans, McCain flatly stated that his opponent’s personal political ambitions trump love of country. McCain, of course, has no personal political ambition and is seeking the presidency purely for altruistic motives. That’s why he’s spent the last two years courting the extreme rightwing of his party -- the same characters he once derided as “agents of intolerance”.

The Carpetbagger Report keeps tabs on McCain’s lengthy list of flip-flops since deciding to extend the Bush administration's winning streak. Here are some of the 74 examples cited.

NATIONAL SECURITY POLICY

1. McCain thought Bush’s warrant-less-wiretap program circumvented the law; now he believes the opposite.

4. In February 2008, McCain reversed course on prohibiting waterboarding.

5. McCain was for closing the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay before he was against it.

FOREIGN POLICY

8. McCain supported moving “towards normalization of relations” with Cuba. Now he believes the opposite.

11. McCain is both for and against a “rogue state rollback” as a focus of his foreign policy.

MILITARY POLICY

15 McCain has changed his mind about long-term U.S. military presence in Iraq on multiple occasions, concluding, on multiple occasions, that a Korea-like presence is both a good and a bad idea.

18. McCain has repeatedly said it’s a dangerous mistake to tell the “enemy” when U.S. troops would be out of Iraq. In May, McCain announced that most American troops would be home from Iraq by 2013.

19. McCain was against expanding the GI Bill before he was for it.

DOMESTIC POLICY

22. On Social Security, McCain said he would not, under any circumstances, raise taxes. Soon after, asked about a possible increase in the payroll tax, McCain said there’s “nothing off the table”.

23. McCain wanted to change the Republican Party platform to protect abortion rights in cases of rape and incest. Now he doesn’t.

25. He argued the NRA should not have a role in the Republican Party’s policy making. Now he believes the opposite.

29. McCain went from saying gay marriage should be allowed to saying gay marriage shouldn’t be allowed.

35. In the Senate, McCain opposed a variety of measures on equal pay for women, and endorsed the Supreme Court’s Leadbetter decision. In July, however, McCain said, “I’m committed to making sure that there’s equal pay for equal work. That…is my record and you can count on it.”

ECONOMIC POLICY

38. McCain was against Bush’s tax cuts for the very wealthy before he was for them.

44. McCain has changed his entire economic worldview on multiple occasions.

ENERGY POLICY

46. McCain supported the moratorium on costal drilling; now he’s against it.

50. McCain supported the Liebermann/Warner legislation to combat global warming. Now he doesn’t.

JUDICIAL POLICY AND THE RULE OF LAW

57. McCain went from saying he would not support repeal of Roe v Wade to saying the exact opposite.

And my personal favorite: 62. McCain supported a campaign-finance bill, which bore his name, on strengthening the public-financing system. In June 2007, he abandoned his own legislation.
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John McCain is indeed the Maverick.

An excellent op-ed submitted by Bill Fleischaker rebutting Richard LaNear’s pretzel logic. Of course it always helps to have working knowledge of the law. Gluing pieces of 17th century Bourbon France, P. T. Barnum and Art Laffer into one curvy voodoo-inspired collage honoring Charles Ponzi does not necessarily make Richard an expert on the Constitution. Imagine that.

We can’t all possess daVinci‘s dexterity. .As much as I’d like to nab a lucrative Food Channel gig, there are only so many ways to prepare buttered toast before avid cable television viewers flip the channel and marvel at Marsha’s ability to avoid looking ‘slutty’ when engaged in cat fights with Jan…which is, in my humble opinion, a damn shame.
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Had I not been otherwise occupied, the chances are still slim that I would have watched Obama and McCain field questions from Rick Warren. Some time ago I declined an invitation to read Warren’s best seller, “The Purpose Driven Life. My moral flexibility and legendary laziness make me an unlikely candidate to appreciate the mega-church pastor’s sales pitch. Needless to say, McCain’s performance easily won over the hearts and minds of his die hard supporters. Perusing various websites posting sound bites from the Q & A, I was disappointed that McCain didn’t embellish his bout of existential anguish suffered after dumping poor Carol for one blessed with blond youth and unlimited access to Budweiser booty. Alas, the opportunity to toss Kierkegaard into the evangelical right’s spiritual blender was squandered. Granted, the dour Dane wasn’t preoccupied with the Lord’s signature pet peeves: Gay marriage, unlawful supremacy of state over church and Charles Darwin’s heinous scientific theories. Warren’s exclusionary interpretation of St. Matthew leaves little room for those left homeless. Saddleback Mountain’s paying customers, relying on a steady diet of Warren’s spoon-sized shredded wheat, need flashing reminders to applaud interpretations of Jesus as the savvy restaurateur.

Speaking of the absurd, McCain’s prescription for defeating evil is collaring bin Laden at the very gates of Hell; indeed a noble endeavor considering his age and Tora Bora’s tough terrain. Perhaps the Senator will find his legs in time to defeat drugs, illiteracy, illegal Mexicans, poverty and terror during his second term -- although not necessarily in that order.

Should McCain accept an invitation to discuss pop culture-cum-Christianity with Unitarians, he needs to update his material. If asked why his first marriage hit the rocks the Maverick should steal lines from Dylan’s “Idiot Wind”. It’s hipper than plagiarizing Solzhenitsyn; not that Warren’s flock would ever notice.

“My friends, I can’t help it if I’m lucky. Have I told you about wearing a feathered boa in the Senate?”

Welcome to the new American century…congratulations
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.
A poem by the missed ‘Nawlins poet Dr. Everette Maddox:

A SENSE OF DECORUM IN POVERTY

“I put on a shirt
with a couple of
gone buttons and a
pair of pants my wife
hates and walk into
the living room and
sit down in a dull
chair. In this way I
acknowledge nothing’s
going on. If I
wanted to really
suffer I could go
lie die down in some s**t,
but that transgresses
the fine line between propriety and\
masochism. If
I were any kind
of poet I’d go
stick up a Jiffy
Mart or, say the First
Bank of the Cosmic
Imagination.
Then I could buy a
red plaid jacket with
a rooster tie and
stumble out into
the clear autumn air
crowing “Guilty! Life,
I’m your beautiful
man”.

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Juan




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