Party Lines2008-09-06T00:35:06ZJoplin Globewebadmin@joplinglobe.comCopyright 2008, Joplin GlobeSPHPBLOGScenes from St. Paul 2.5 The convention organizers could have provided better plastic protection for delegates sitting in the first three rows. Smeared with wet pulp, their feeble applause when Mitt pounded on the last liberal cantaloupe bodes ill for his future ambitions in any political party not teeming with bi-polar hedge fund millionaires.
I had hoped that Mike Huckabee would have belittled community organizers in tongues. Growing up in a rather staid religious environment, I was not allowed direct access to the Holy Spirit without first going through seminary-trained professionals. The odd, early morning phone call from Bip, my Cajun friend from Morgan City, LA, is as close as I’ll ever get to hearing celestial mediums vocalize their gift after enjoying serious communion time with Father Beam. Mayor Rudy goofed around on stage so long that he stepped on Sarah Palin’s pre-speech infomercial. Adler, watching the show from Chow Acre’s rustic environ, said it was the first time he saw Rudy step on something besides his own favorite body part. We were both disappointed he wasn’t wearing his classy Hedda Lettuce evening gown. Needling elitist liberals is always more effective in drag than garbed as Count Dracula’s coffin security specialist. He did get the spontaneous “USA!” chants back on track, which gave the camera operators plenty of time to frame the next Trig hand off.
Media elite commentary while viewing the evening’s featured entertainment.
Adler: I’m already bummed out she’s not in a Lara Croft “Tomb Raider” outfit. She’d look hot with a black leather whip. Does that make me sexist?
Juan: You know, this speech was written before Pops discovered his “soul mate”. I’m starting to get a transgender vibe, but the “pit bull with lipstick” line is slightly less jejune than “read my lips”.
Adler: Wasn’t Lenin a community organizer?
Juan: I didn’t know Wasilla was a major U.S. city. Why didn’t she use her pull with Ted Stevens to lobby for a pro hockey team? The Wasilla Wingnuts has a nice ring.
Adler: I’m not sure mentioning “The Bridge to Nowhere” is a good idea for Republicans this year.
Juan: Reminding neocons about all the North Slope oil is dangerous. Next thing you know Cheney will claim Alaska has WMD and launch a preemptive invasion.
Adler: Didn’t she raise taxes in Wasilla? Oh, that’s right. God told her too.
Juan: Sarah for Student Council President!
Adler: I guess somebody forgot to pencil in that all American’s have health care if they can stagger into an emergency room. McCain must be saving that line for himself.
Juan: I never knew the year I spent in high school ROTC made me qualified to be commander-in-chief. I would have polished my shoes more often.
Adler: Holy Spamollie, she’s a policy wonk! Wasilla must have a great library.
Juan: Who would have thought that rekindling middle class prosperity was as simple as Drill! Drill! Drill!?
Adler: You know, Obama is just too damned inexperienced!
Juan: And he graduated from Harvard Law. Is that where he joined the Weather Underground?
Adler: Don’t think so. I believe his affliation with the radical splinter group started in fourth grade…about the same time Michelle became the first female Black Panther and robbed a white bank.
Juan: Okay, she’s wrapping it up.
Adler: Where are the doves? I thought they were going to release doves after the speech.
Juan: Rove was afraid her husband would shoot them.
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Juan does have trace amounts of ESP in his system. Big and Rich ended the spectacle last night as only reality show celebrities can.
]]>http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry080904-1626222008-09-04T00:00:00Z2008-09-04T00:00:00ZScenes from St. Paul It was disappointing that President Bush couldn’t personally address the convention. Still preoccupied with Hurricane Gustav‘s wet, wind-blown aftermath, he had barely enough time to phone-in a nine minute howdy-do. Vice President Cheney is rumored to be war mongering abroad, which explains his absence from the festivities. Fred Thompson was a pleasant surprise. Reading the speech that Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give, I thought he provided hammy “Petticoat Junction” ambience Arnold has trouble pulling off. Arnold is a gifted actor, but I’m not sure if Uncle Joe is in his repertoire. Reminding viewers of yet another reason to embrace Sarah Palin because she can “field dress a moose”, Fred’s observation cleverly put to rest unease about her resume. I’m sure this endearing skill will come in handy when debating Senator Biden in St. Louis.
Speaking of Uncle Joe, Senator Liebermann was in fine form. Although the Alabama delegation wasn’t sure when to grunt “USA!” and when to boo, his appeal to neoconservative Democrats is worth literally a handful of votes for the McCain-Palin ticket. Juxtaposing Pops’ salty unpredictability with Obama’s youthful equanimity went a long way in wresting the “change” mantel away from the flashy upstart. I’m guessing someone possessing Pops’ preternatural ability to pretend he’s never flip-flopped on every major issue is an essential character requirement for restoring honor and integrity back to Washington; but I’m not sure if Washington’s lack of honor and integrity is the fault of the new Congressional majority or the Bush Administration. Perhaps this disconnect explains why the President’s address was eight minutes and fifty seconds longer than the McCain campaign requested.
Strange that the word ’torture’ was never used when the headliners hinted Pops was once ill-treated by the Cong. Torture, like beauty, must be in the eye of the beholder.
Revved and ready for round VIII of the Culture Wars, I’m looking forward to Governor Palin’s oratory. Adler hopes she can do rope tricks that appear authentic and not the result of last minute lessons. We have a five dollar bet riding on her theme song. I say it’s going to be “I Can’t Say No” from the musical Oklahoma; Adler is putting his money on Heart’s “Barracuda”.
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Juan must perform a delicate operation with a screw driver today and has curtailed his coffee intake in preparation.
]]>http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry080903-1357482008-09-03T00:00:00Z2008-09-03T00:00:00ZMaverick no More I’m reminded of another saying: A guy starts drinking in order to forget something and eventually drinks so much he can’t remember what it was he was trying to forget. That’s how I see John McCain. The motivations he had for running eight years ago are long gone. He has allowed himself to become Rove’s replacement Bush -- just another empty suit stuffed with patriotic cardboard and extremist religious pamphlets guised as moral character.
Bit by bit information is slowly sifting through the fixed media narrative that explains why Sarah Palin is on the ticket. In short, McCain was made an offer by Rove he couldn’t refuse. Liebermann and Ridge were always unacceptable because of their socially moderate and pro-choice positions. No matter that McCain has tried to make nice with the evangelical right, seeking the blessings of those he once correctly labeled as divisive forces within his party, the powerful Council for National Policy don’t trust him and demanded one of their own. It’s doubtful McCain knew much about Palin before Rove and Tony Perkins told him the decision had been made. Leaders of the CNP met in Minneapolis and she passed their ‘vetting’ process with flying colors. It’s small wonder that James Dobson, Tim LaHaye and Paul Weyrich expressed jubilation upon hearing the news… they gave her the job.
This explains why McCain’s agents are scurrying about Alaska trying to find out as much as they can about his running mate. The announcement was such a surprise that senior campaign advisors were stunned; Palin’s spokesman in Alaska didn’t believe the news until Secret Service personnel arrived to accompany her to Ohio.
“Last week, while the media focused almost obsessively on the DNC spectacle in Denver, the country’s most influential conservatives met quietly in downtown Minneapolis to get to know Sarah Palin. The assembled were the members of the Council for National Policy, an ultra-secret cabal that networks ultra-wealthy rightwing donors together with top conservative operatives to plan long-term movement strategy”. Sidney Blumenthal.
I am permanently retiring McCain as Maverick. From henceforth he shall be known as Pops Pander.
I’ll wager that exciting details about the CNP’s pick will be hitting newsstands on a regular basis.
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Juan is very relieved that Gustav’s fury was spent before brushing up against New Orleans.
]]>http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry080901-2252232008-09-02T00:00:00Z2008-09-02T00:00:00ZWhat, me worry? *The Mike and Pat of Armageddon.
*A moose in every pot.
*Iran’s nuclear program: We’ll get back to you on that next February.
*No to abortion! No to gays! No to dinosaurs!
*Global warming is a mean trick played on Alaskans.
*She says Sunni. He says Shiite. They both say trouble.
*He’s a POW. She’s a WOW! Together they’re a POW-WOW!
*Serving up red meat for America.
*Experience is as relevant to conservatives as sunscreen is to Eskimos.
*Republican photo-ops aren’t just for hurricane victims anymore.
*They’ll both be up at 3AM…but doing different things.
*A ‘Hockey Mom’ Oklahoma can relate too.
*The James Garner to her Jody Foster.
*McCain-Palin. Bringing back burlesque.
*Got Elk?
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Ladies and gentleman, Senator John McCain.
My friends let me say that I’m honored to have Governor Sarah Palin join my campaign. The five minutes or so that I met with her were enough to know she has what it takes to be the next Vice President of the United States. Thank you for the hand noises. Yes my friends, she is exactly what this country needs. As a daughter, Miss Caribou, wife, mother, PTA member, mayor, and now governor, she has proven herself more than capable of meeting the challenges we face in the …21st century. Not only is she blessed with charming executive skills, but she also has the tough moral fiber to deny global warming, repair the terrible traumas radical feminism has inflicted on our nation, and yes, my friends, she believes this wonderful planet is only 6,000 years old. Thank you again for the hand noises. A true tax-hating conservative, Governor Palin shares my recent conviction that our slight economic problems are because we haven’t given our wealthiest citizens enough tax breaks. A devoted proponent of domestic drilling, she is convinced -- as I am -- that we can drill our way to energy independence if only whacko environmentalists cared more about SUVs than inconvenient life forms.
My friends, together we will defeat the enemy…whether they are foreign or domestic. We’ll discuss in further detail our plans for permanently eliminating Evil after the Governor has completed more map study time. But let there be no doubt that she is able, willing and ready to ignore diplomacy and leave no options off the table.
As you know, our opponents have launched a barrage of attacks against Governor Palin. Intentionally misconstruing the general shock and disbelief at my selection as something that should trouble the attentive, they claim 16 months as Alaska’s chief executive is hardly a resume worthy of the second highest political office in the land. They scoff at her complete lack of foreign policy experience, seeming disinterest in affordable health care and her vacuous stares when asked about illegal immigration or any other issue not directly related to Alaska. Well, my friends, I say that she can stare at me with those big, beautiful eyes all day long! Come on up here, honey! Is she hotter than Joe Biden or what? Twirl around a few times. Great!
My friends, if I was wearing my feathered boa some might mistake us for a Reno lounge act. Seriously…thank you for the hand noises…when I was a prisoner of the North Vietnamese…..
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Juan has replaced his head gear for pantie hose.
]]>http://www.joplinglobeonline.com/znewsblog/partylines/index.php?entry=entry080831-1645512008-08-31T00:00:00Z2008-08-31T00:00:00ZWoman of the Year Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating their impaired hallucinations a wee bit. But the fantasies of rightwing homers -- hoping disgruntled Hillary delegates wouldn’t unite behind Obama -- were always gassy phantasms. Reality: The convention was a smashing success, and they know it. When Pat Buchanan gives Obama’s acceptance speech glowing reviews, Charles Krauthammer and Peggy Noonan take turns biting Rich Lowry’s toenails.
So how does Johnny Maverick respond to Barack Obama’s splendid send off? He places political theater above country, and invites Alaska’s Governor Sarah Palin (no relation to Michael Palin of Monty Python fame) aboard the Magical Mystery Tour‘s comfy bus. I’ll confess that I didn’t see this stunning move coming; and yet plucking a neophyte from obscurity dovetails with the unsound decision making that has dogged Maverick’s campaign ever since he replaced Teddy Roosevelt’s progressive playbook with Billy Sunday’s sweaty sermons. It’s Howdy Doody Time when Fox News’ chattering boobs hail Gov. Palin’s physical proximity to Russia as legitimate foreign policy experience. I suppose if she lived further away from Siberia (Lincoln, Nebraska?) this might cast doubts about her supernatural awareness concerning grave international complexities. Maverick has a unique vetting process for selecting vice presidential spokes models. Placing no importance on personal familiarity or proven prime time leadership skills, I’m assuming the only criteria deemed essential was sending the evangelical right into rapturous, barking joy.
Is that the sound of my rottie giving the cats’ hell, or James Dobson’s throaty praise?
Gov. Palin’s airy resume probably does play well with Norquist’s gaggle (or any crank earning easy cash pretending to despise government-in-general). On the plus side, she can’t be blamed for BushCo’s seven-plus year crime spree; I suspect no photos of her networking with Jack Abramoff adorn Ralph Reed‘s “Bingo Jesus“ blog. Not since William Jennings Bryan chose John W. Kern to share his defeat in the 1908 presidential election has a running mate been so inexperienced. (I was going to bring up Spiro Agnew, but Nixon’s better-half is best compared to Elmore Leonard’s less likeable characters and not your average real life moose hunting beauty queen).
I can’t decide if Maverick’s gambit is based on unadulterated cynicism or wild desperation. To think that Hillary Clinton’s large following would desert the Democratic Party simply because they share the same plumbing with Gov. Palin displays complete disrespect for their work championing women’s rights. I’ve spoken with several friends who supported Hillary’s bid, and they’re insulted by yet another cheap, Rovian ploy. It appears Gov. Palin’s remark that Hillary is “whiny” immediately raised hackles. Madame Rosa directed me to Jane Smiley’s thoughts on the subject.
Smiley: “We had years to relate to Hillary Clinton. We saw her through good times and bad. We saw her do things we didn’t agree with. She was an open book in many ways. Sarah Palin accused her of “whining”. That “whining” remark is the hallmark of a bitchy and arrogant point of view -- a characterzation of all conservative women politicians. So, Sarah thinks she can take it. I say we give it to her good”.
Perhaps Maverick has secret information that places bin Laden in Tanana Valley, Alaska. Posing as an unkept naturalist drawn to wild beaver, the Bush Regime’s bearded Waldo divides his time between a cave and Barrow’s lone Burger King. Gov. Palin’s familiarity with snow mobiles and shooting irons are essential in bagging the international terrorist before he seeks and receives asylum in Canada.
Or Johnny Maverick thinks the vice presidency is a joke.
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To honor the McCain-Palin ticket, Juan is wearing a mauve lamp shade.