How did Richard La Near manage to elude the Heritage Foundation? The man is dripping with raw talent. I had to read his latest screed three times, and I’m still not sure if he was poking fun at the Federalist Society or attempting to impress Toby Keith fans -- assuming that they’re fluent in at least one language. It appears La Near would be a much happier segregationist if “the cataclysmic event known as the Civil War” had turned out differently. “Constructionists” judges like Clarence Thomas could then have the freedom to arbitrarily define equality without looking like an ass -- or perhaps not, as his legal career might well have been hindered by “Black Codes.”

John Cragin’s concern over Obama’s thin resume made me rethink my support for the eloquent Democrat. He makes a point. The current president’s six year stint signing death warrants in Texas -- briefly interrupted by one Mexico City sleep over -- certainly prepared him to stumble onto the world stage. Besides, serious Americans prefer their leaders to be linguistically challenged. There’s nothing that screams “American Exceptionalism” more than bumbling incoherence, especially when exacerbating ticklish geo-political complexities. I’m impressed that those alive when Emmett Kelly and Wendell Willkie were in their prime can ignore the irony of Bush scolding China’s ruling clique for their lax interest in advancing human rights.

And I hope both frequent contributors relish the pains Congressional Republicans are going through to drive down the price of retail gasoline. Should the price go back up while they’re performing darkened public service, I guess that means domestic drilling will finally pay dividends during the 2020 Olympic Games.
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Courting the influential biker vote in South Dakota, McCain offered Cindy as a contestant in the “Miss Buffalo Chip” contest. The charming affair, offering ladies the option of lap dancing with tops on or off, is sanctioned by James Dobson as long as the ladies resist the temptation to assume sexually suggestive poses during the mud wrestling part of the beauty pageant.

Of course I’m kidding. Being the prototypical, licentious liberal, I think it’s cute that McCain is comfortable letting down what’s left of his hair. It’s not as if the Maverick was actually going to provide Obama with the Holy Grail of negative ad material. But assuming that a terrible miscue had prompted Cindy to take the stage, the plus side would have been the immediate improvement in diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Old Europe.
*************************************

Keeping my streak alive, only two of the candidates I voted for made it to the finals. It will be interesting to see how far Kenny Hulshof slides to the center in the general election. He performed well in southwest Missouri and the outskirts of St. Louis, but his poor showing among Kansas City area conservatives must trouble the Congressman. Finding the right campaign pitch to entice voters tired of “family values” platitudes -- while keeping Blunt Country Republicans placated -- will tax Hulshof’s political skills. The probability of a decisive Jay Nixon victory in November may tip the state’s electoral votes into Obama’s column.
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Here’s an idea on how to sneak Dick Cheney into the Republican National Convention without attracting attention: Disguise him as a Navy Seal.
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Juan McKnight is scouring faded Aleister Crowley manuscripts seeking unorthodox ideas on how to keep Jason Isringhaussen out of the Cardinal’s lineup.

I was firing off an e-mail chastising Mark Halperin (Beltway pundit extraordinaire) for referring to bloggers as neophytes with “Cheetos on the end of their fingers” -- and then I looked down and realized that I had Cheetos on the end of my fingers: Happy Hour began four hours earlier than usual. Luckily the hard rain hitting my face brought me around in time to scramble back inside and assume my ambiguously thoughtful sofa-pose moments before Madame’s arrival filled the hovel with radiant grace. **7-30-6:13 PM**
______________

Randy Spooney, beach paramedic and public relations stand-in for Britney Spears, Inc., attempted to take issue with John McCain’s recent controversial attack ad. The commercial, briefly featuring the former pop diva and another blonde well known among certain internet circles, has raised questions concerning the Arizona Senator’s pledge not to hire Republican media consultants.

Spooney, wearing an unbuttoned lab coat over Ron Jon’s Rip Curl Jester broadshorts, addressed a gaggle of paparazzi and press gathered outside Mr. Dong’s Enhanced Korean Koffee. Inhaling deep draughts of something from a portable tank, Spooney kept the small conclave waiting as he attempted to regain the power of speech. Angel Beaver, Bill O’ Reilly’s former fact checker, offered her assistance, claiming that she could translate wet scrawls atop cocktail napkins into pigeon English.

Highlights from the damp napkin: Paris Hilton is a skank; Britney loves the President and Mr. Dong’s kimchi vodka latte; she’s not paying Kevin’s Vegas bar tab unless he lets her see the babies; Andy Dick is banned from her pool; John McCain looks like the old dude who peed on her car; her latest CD can be found at Petsmart.com.
_________________

In related news, the McCain campaign admitted that they were scouring inner-city basketball courts seeking Willie Horton look-a-likes for their next commercial touting the Senator’s claim that Obama is playing the race card.

I’m assuming Mike Pound had nothing better to do than cage a ride to Springfield. I can dig it.

**After reversing his slippery stance on offshore drilling in June, Big Oil has soaked McCain with $881,450 petrol dollars. Now that Alaska’s Ted Stevens is under indictment, the free market retailers have more pocket change to spread around.

**My investment portfolio manager phoned me from rehab this morning. He apologized for rolling the dice and buying GM stock. Since this is part of his therapy, I graciously accepted -- but I warned him not to be surprised if he finds his Tahoe missing.

**Dad Bush, Jed and W. phoned Limbaugh today, congratulating him for twenty outstanding years of public service. Jack Abramoff had wanted to call in, but strict prison restrictions forbid inmate contact with known drug offenders; dittos for Randy “Duke” Cunningham.
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Juan McKnight wishes to thank radio station KZRG for airing ex-Senator George Allen’s ill-informed intrusion as yet another reason to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine.










.

Warning, this post contains satire. It is not to be confused with reality. Examples of reality: The total cost involved in invading Iraq was $5 billion and change; high gas prices are Barack Obama’s fault; same-sex couples on vacation worry Miss Leonard will fatten their cat with fresh crab; Michael Savage offers a unique, tough love technique to families with autistic children.
________________

Monica Goodling, a former top aide to ex-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, often screened prospective Department of Justice employees with this following questionnaire.

1. How much do you love President Bush?

A: This much _____
B: This much ____________
C: This much ______________________
D: This much _______________________________
E: This much__________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________!!!!!!!!!!

2. Vice President Cheney is to freedom as _____________ are to water.

A: Ducks
B: Otters
C: Rich Caucasians with yachts
D: Oil rigs
E: All of the above

3. Bill and Hillary Clinton have murdered how many people?

A: 3
B: 47
C: 495
D: 806
E. Hundreds and hundreds

4. Choose the word or words that best describes Barney Frank.

A: Congressman
B: Socialist
C: Public servant
D: Queer
E: B & D

5. Jack Bauer has captured a teenage enemy non-combatant. The evil-doer might know where a nuclear bomb has been planted. Agent Bauer has ten minutes to interrogate the detainee before the bomb explodes. Which method or methods should he use to save Encino?

A: Power drill both kneecaps
B: Offer evil-doer cold drink
C: Waterboard infidel after drilling kneecaps
D: Call the ACLU
E: A & C

6. Which word or words best describes abortion?

A: Mortal sin
B: Medical procedure
C: Choice
D: Constitutional right
E: Madonna

7. Bible law should be applied __________.

A: Most of the time
B: Some of the time
C: Never
D: Always
E: Only if witches are involved

8. If subpoenaed by Congressional Democrats, DOJ employees should immediately __________

A: Notify Karl Rove
B: Ignore subpoena; fake memory loss
C: Purge all e-mails and documents
D: Flee the country and have plastic surgery
E: Don’t flee, but avoid morning prayer group

9. Social conservatives are better than fiscal conservatives because _________

A: We’re cleaner
B: Jesus was a social conservative
C: Liberals pretend to be fiscal conservatives
D: Fiscal conservatives can be amoral
E: We just are!

Bonus question for male applicants.

10. Do you think I’m __________

A: Attractive
B: Stunning
C: Gorgeous
D: A vision
E: So incredibly beautiful that my image will haunt you forever and ever!

________

Juan McKnight will eventually unravel the mysteries of time travel after mastering Photoshop.

I was disappointed in the paper’s decision to endorse Kenny Hulshof over Sarah Steelman. Although it’s very likely the editorial board’s younger members don’t remember Woodstock, surely the more seasoned participants retain fading memories of stoned hippies swaying in naked abandon to Country Joe’s obscenity-laced warbles against common decency and foreign wars. Does Hulfshof represent Missouri’s conservative values when he douses our tax dollars on perverse projects like a Woodstock museum? Trying to visualize muddy crap that could possibly pass muster for public display was troubling, and eventually I stumbled to the horse tank for wet solace. Thank God mood altering prescription drugs are legal, or I’d never again be able to enjoy another bowl of gravy -- wavy or otherwise. And you can bet your favorite Precious Moments figurine that Cindy Dagnan won’t be abusing her income tax rebate check on romantic sabbaticals where Acidhead Barbie fashion accessories are sold. I’ve heard Dr. Dobson warn that the nasty doll doesn’t come with appropriate unmentionables, often embarrassing Ken by going commando. Fortunately, Ken is equipped with a strapped girdle and whips Acidhead Barbie back in line should she stare at the sun or microwave her dog, Tanner.

Did the editorial board ask Hulshof about his personal investment in the ethanol scam before concluding that mixing corn with oil will have any discernable effect on the price of gasoline or reduce greenhouse-gas emissions? Before jumping on the ethanol bangwagon and awarding points to candidates touting its eco-friendly benefits, it would be advisable to first research the topic. Hint: Start with Grist’s Environmental News and Commentary.

I was struck by this line: “Steelman seemed caught ‘off guard by the question” [when quizzed about CAFOs]. Was this an isolated incident? After watching her in action last night on PBS, I noticed that Mrs. Steelman is frequently “caught ’offguard’” by questions, as if she was expecting an entirely different line of inquiry. Or perhaps Mrs. Steelman misunderstood the question, and thought someone had asked how she felt about large petting zoos setting up shop near running water. It doesn’t inspire confidence when Hulshof deems local entities -- such as county commissioners -- to be qualified decision makers deciding where thousands of hogs can call home. The last “environmental” issue taken up by the Jasper County Three involved the logistical vagaries associated with where pole dancers can legally spin. Should a CAFO sprout near Chow Acre, I will immediately start a business that caters to exotic dancing aficionados inside the roiling compound, and then invite “environmentalists” from the Carthage area to steer their ecological obsessions toward Newton County’s smaller courthouse.
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Juan McKnight is saddened to read that John Edwards might have fathered a “love child” out of wedlock, and will spend the afternoon reevaluating his opinions about poverty. .


.

Should liberals decide to cause Riley T. Jay of Seneca further distress by taxing oxygen and nitrogen, he can easily thwart this insidious fantasy by placing a bag over his head --
assuming that he isn‘t already wearing one.
********
Senator McCain is having a rotten week. While Obama is off touring the world, he’s riding about the ancestral Bush vacation estate in a golf cart with the family patriarch. And not to be upstaged by Obama’s speech in Berlin, Germany, McCain will claim the fabled “surge” reunited Soviet controlled Czechoslovakia with Slovakia to several passing pedestrians in Berlin, North Dakota. To add insult to injury, T. Boone Pickens, the folksy oil magnate, is carpet bombing radio stations with self-financed ads refuting the GOP’s sudden interest in drilling as the answer to our fossil fuel prayers. T. Boone (who bankrolled the 2004 “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth”) is hard to tar as just another rich “wacko environmentalist” like the silly Leonardo DiCaprio. His proposal to invest in alternative energy sources will undoubtedly be greeted with scorn by the rightwing noise machine. Perhaps Mike Weiner Savage will add T. Boone to his collection of autistic brats; certainly breaking ranks and edging away from the compost pile indicates Mr. Pickens requires Dr. Dobson’s painful girdle-strap version of tough love.
*********

MCCAIN SURGE MATHEMATICS 101 (WITH A DOLLOP OF HISTORY).
By Hilzoy

“John McCain tried to explain his claim that the surge, which was announced in January 2007, began the Anbar Awakening, which began in the summer of 2006.

McCain is arguing as follows: find some X, of which what we normally think of as the surge is a part. Define all of X as “the surge”. Argue that since X is responsible for some development Y, a development which preceded what we normally think of as the surge, “the surge”, understood to mean X, is responsible for Y. This is a delightful argument, and it yields all kinds of fun results. For instance:

The surge is part of American history, and American history has a number of components. And this American history was initiated in some sense by Captain John Smith, and when I visited with him in 1607, he had already initiated that history at Jamestown, by going in and clearing and holding in certain places. That is American history. And he told me that at that time he believed that history, which is, quote, the surge, part of the surge, would be successful. So then, of course, it was very clear that we needed additional troops in order to continue our history. And so I’m not sure, frankly, that people really understand that a surge is part of American history, which means the settlement of Jamestown, declaring independence, winning the Civil War, emancipating the slaves, the New Deal, deciding to invade Iraq, and then clearly a part of that, an important part of it, was additional troops to help ensure the safety of the sheikhs, to regain control of Ramadi, which was a very bloody fight, and then the surge continued to succeed, and so on.

Q: So when you say ‘surge’, then you’re not referring just to the one that President Bush initiated; you’re saying it goes back several centuries before that?

Yes, and again, because of my visits to Virginia, I was briefed by Captain John Smith shortly before he established the settlement at Jamestown were he outlined what was happening there in American history which we all know of now as the surge.

I could go on and show that the surge is responsible for the invention of the calculus, the birth of Christ, the extinction of the dodo, and the hula hoop craze. After all, you can prove virtually anything once you adopt the Humpty Dumpty principle.”
________________________________________________________________________
“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in a rather scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less.”

“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean different things.”

“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master -- that’s all.”
________________________________________________________________________

Juan McKnight will make another attempt to find his chi, but will do so indoors… with the fan on high.